i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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