Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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