I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
