I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
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