You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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