o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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