I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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