I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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