Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
