Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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