dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize
