dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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