I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Randomize
