She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She bit a glass in half.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
3 2 1 whiskey
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
