My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
