Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
