we're chasing vodka with high fives
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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