shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
