If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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