someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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