Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
