Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
