Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
