Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
