mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
