So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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