I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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