peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
this hospital has no fireball
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
