i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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