I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
