Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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