I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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