someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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