Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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