I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
