when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
