Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
