there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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