this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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