My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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