God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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