Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
