you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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