So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
