I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
