Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
