Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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