Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
