ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I checked into jail on foursquare
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
