why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
