I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
